Nell’s Story

By Emma Laurent

Nell was a scrawny kid and track runner. It was normal for her to not see her period for months. With her Catholic upbringing and a school curriculum based in abstinence, she didn’t see any warning signs. “I was so skinny. I just thought I was bloated.” But by graduation, Nell could no longer turn away from her changing body. She was at least two, if not three, months pregnant. “I black[ed] some [of it] out. I think I was in denial. I felt so guilty.”

The next steps were not easy for Nell. “I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Ever since I was a little kid.” Nell knew she wasn’t in a place in her life to raise a kid at the moment. Waiting tables with no health insurance and severe ADHD was not a plan. Barely out of high school, Nell was already a primary caregiver for her young niece. Nell’s sister became pregnant at 20, and moved back in with Nell’s parents, herself, and her younger brother. It was a full house. When her sister left for work in the early morning, Nell would get her new niece ready for the day then drop her off at daycare on her way to high school. “Because my sister had had a child really young, and I saw the backlash on my family, and how much it put work onto [all of] us, other than just my sister. I didn't want to put that on anyone else other than myself and I knew I properly wasn't ready for it.”

Nell called a clinic in Billings, Montana. The clinic could schedule her for an appointment in two and a half weeks. Nell said okay, then spent the next two weeks binge drinking. Nell thought if she could just  “give herself” a miscarriage before the appointment, she wouldn’t have to deal with any of the small-town Catholic guilt that plagued her at the thought of having an abortion, let alone anyone finding out. A miscarriage, she reasoned, would save her from town gossip and going to hell (both a coin toss as to which was actually worse). Two weeks later, Nell’s best friend drove her the two hours to Billings, on a 100 degree day, in a car with no air conditioning. Nell wore a bathing suit and laid out in the back seat attempting to keep herself from overheating. 

Following the abortion, Nell’s high school sweetheart broke up with her. She wasn’t surprised. He began pulling away the second she told him she was pregnant. Her best friend then moved out of state to pursue her own next chapter. With no one to confine in and a heart full of Catholic guilt, Nell attempted to overdose with pain pills. “You know I couldn't talk to anyone in Wyoming. I grew up in Wyoming. I was raised Catholic and I felt complete shame about it but I just knew it wasn't the choice that I needed.” Fortunately, a family member found her in time. 

“[After that] I wanted to run away. And that’s why I moved to Denver. And that’s why I feel like I could never move back home…Everyone knows my shit…my mom’s the biggest gossip in town.”

Almost 20 years later, Nell lives in Denver, with her partner and eight-year old son. With aging and experience, Nell knows now she made the right decision. “It killed me…[but I had] seen how broken families mess up others and that’s not what I wanted. I didn’t feel I was strong enough at 18.” 

Nell is relieved and happy when talking about becoming a mother later in life. She knows she’s a better mom then she ever could have been that summer after graduation. “Because I chose [it].”